


but, you had to go (I know, I know, I know)

by breakableheavens



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:07:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27922756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breakableheavens/pseuds/breakableheavens
Summary: Sam works toward healing and creating a new life for himself. It isn't going to be easy but, he's going to try. For Dean.
Relationships: Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 14





	but, you had to go (I know, I know, I know)

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't hate the finale. But, the two minute montage of Sam's life made me feel like there was so much potential to write about. Each chapter is going to be about a portion of time after Dean's death. This first one is during the first week.

Sam decides not to take the werewolf hunt in Austin. He thinks hunting might be a good distraction from _everything_ that’s happened but, he isn’t in any shape to go on a hunt – let alone by himself. So, he texts Bobby – now that he’s back – and asks if he can put another hunter on it because he’s preoccupied. Bobby tells him he’ll get right on it.

He is still committed to leaving the bunker for now. Staying there alone with all those reminders of everything he had lost was just too much to bear. So, he gets in the Impala with Miracle and tries to figure out what to do next. This isn’t the first time he’s lost Dean and certainly not the first time he’s been alone with no road map, but it’s the finality of it this time that’s killing him. Six months down the road Dean won’t magically be back by his side, finding another hunt, like none of this happened as much as he wishes that were true.

This is it. This is real. And it hurts like a bitch.

He thinks it might do him some good to go see Eileen for a while, she’d like the company. He could lay low at her place and get his head back on straight. Things had been going really well between them now that there were no supernatural forces interfering with their relationship.

It occurs to him while he’s sitting in a gas station parking lot, with Miracle right beside him, that he hasn’t told anyone about Dean. Their friends like Jody, Donna, and Garth should know.

Another time he would run from this and hide (or _worse_ ), not bothering to tell anyone and deal with it alone, shutting everyone and everything out. That instinct is still there this time but, he stopped running away a long time ago. He’s got to do this for Dean and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even if he can’t go five minutes without feeling like he’s going to break down and cry.

So, Sam starts the car and begins the drive to Eileen’s place.

-x-

He texts her when he’s a half hour away to let her know he’s on his way. She tells him she’s home and that she’s looking forward to seeing him. Eileen is on the front porch waiting for him when he pulls into her driveway. She looks as pretty as always, a soft smile on her face just for him.

Sam sees it dawn on her that something is wrong when Miracle gets out of the car behind him as he makes his way over to her, her smile quickly turning into a look of concern. He’s sure he looks like hell – he feels like it. He’s barely slept, and his eyes are still sore from crying.

He comes up on the steps where she’s at eye level with him and she asks, signing, “What’s going on?”

He breathes a heavy sigh and wraps his arms around her waist, not saying anything right away. He feels her arms come up around his shoulders, squeezing him tightly. He exhales a small sob, letting a few tears slip out, and her hand drifts into his hair, pulling him even closer to her.

They stay like that on the porch for a few more minutes. Eileen pulls away first, tucking a piece of Sam’s hair behind his ear, as he looks away and wipes at his eyes.

“Sam?” she asks, softly, concern evident in her voice. Her hand is resting on his shoulder, giving

He looks up at her, eyes watery with tears again. “Dean’s gone,” he finally says, barely able to get it out. She pulls him in for another hug and he comes apart.

-x-

Eileen tells him he’s free to stay with her as long as he needs, Miracle too. They’re sitting on her couch side by side, her arm curled around his as he sips tea that she made for him. He still feels like hell but, the comfort feels nice. It’s good to be around someone who understands what he’s going through and cares about him.

He asks if she can help him contact their friends and let them know about Dean’s passing, she obliges, tells him she’ll help with anything he needs.

He starts with Jody while Eileen facetimes Donna in the other room. Jody tells him it’s good to hear from him, it’s been a few months since they last saw each other.

“Hey, it’s good to hear from you too,” he begins. “I wanted to call because, there’s something I gotta tell you.”

“Sure, what’s going on, kiddo?” He doesn’t want to tell her. She’s been family to them for so long. She loved Dean.

“Dean’s gone,” he chokes out. “He was – he was killed on a hunt last week.”

It’s silent for a few moments – for a second, he thinks Jody might have hung up. He hears her sniffle and he realizes he’s crying again too.

“Sam…,” She whispers, tears clogging her voice. “I am _so_ sorry. God, I – how are you holding up, sweetie?”

“I’m… well, I’m still here.”

“What can I do? I’m going to call Donna and the girls and I will come to you –”

“No, no, that’s okay. You guys don’t have to come,” he tells her, shaking his head. “I’m safe, I’m staying with Eileen.”

“She’s not that far from us. If we get in the car in the next hour, we can be there by night fall.”

“Jody…”

“Sam. God knows you two have helped me out of trouble a time or two over the years. You’re not in this alone. You’re practically our family. Let us take care of you.”

-x-

Eileen walks back into the living room a little while later and tells him she also called Garth, Bobby, and Charlie.

“You up for company?” she signs to him as she sits back down beside him, resting her hand on his shoulder. “Garth and Bess are leaving in the morning. And they’re bringing the kids. I said you might not feel up to seeing anyone. But, he was persistent that they come. Charlie and Stevie are coming too.”

“Jody’s coming with Donna and the girls tonight. It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I think it’ll be good to have everyone around.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “Dean would love it.”

-x-

Jody arrives that evening with Donna, Claire, Alex, and Kaia in tow. Sam and Eileen greet them outside when they pull up. Jody hugs him tightly, tells him that she’s sorry – again. Donna walks by and pats him on the back, Claire too. Then, he notices all the girls are carrying grocery bags into the house. 

“We weren’t sure if you’d feel like eating anything,” Jody tells him as she pulls away and they start walking in the house. “But, I remembered how much you loved having home cooked food. Thought I would make some chicken and mashed potatoes.”

“I’d love that, Jody. Thank you. Thanks for being here.”

“Of course, kiddo. We’re all here for you.”

-x-

Sam appreciates their company and the fact that they all want to be there for him, he does. But, he quickly realizes that maybe he doesn’t feel like talking and entertaining company so soon. He’s beyond exhausted and is long overdue for some sleep.

He stays quiet at dinner while everyone engages in light conversation – Jody’s food is amazing as always. He finds himself thinking about the first time he and Dean had one of her home cooked meals together. How much Dean had loved that.

He _hates_ this. He shouldn’t be gathered at the table with his friends mourning his brother. Dean should be here enjoying their company with him.

He has to excuse himself from the table and goes to Eileen’s bedroom. He cries quietly into his fist, sitting on the end of her bed, cursing how unfair this is. He doesn’t know how much time passes but, Eileen pops her head in eventually. “I got worried when you didn’t come back out,” she says.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, signing to her, tears streaming down his face. “I thought I could handle being around everyone. It just ended up being too much. I needed a second.”

“Don’t apologize,” she walks over and sits beside him on the bed, taking his hand. “I know it’s not easy, Sam. You don’t need to apologize for grieving your brother.”

“I’m so… _angry_ ,” he rasps out. Eileen wraps her arm around his shoulder. “All that time we spent trying to get our lives back from Chuck. And he only got to enjoy six fucking months of it. It’s not fair.”

Eileen doesn’t say anything – she doesn’t have to. He doesn’t need words right now. He just needs someone to listen. So, she holds him as he sobs, head buried in her shoulder. She strokes his hair and rubs his back, doing her best to soothe him.

After a while, she goes into the bathroom attached to her room and comes out with a paper cup of water, telling him he should drink something. He finishes it and she takes the cup back and tells him to lie down and get some sleep, she’ll entertain the girls. He needs rest.

Sam pulls the blanket back and lays down, Eileen pulling the comforter over him. She sits down beside him and rests her hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

“Thank you,” he signs to her and she smiles.

She stays in the bedroom with him and holds his hand until he falls asleep.

-x-

Sam wakes to the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen. He hears the unmistakable sound of Garth’s voice and remembers he and Bess were coming by in the morning. He realizes he must have slept in. He looks at the clock at it says 11:30AM.

He gets up and walks into the kitchen. Garth and Bess are cooking more food for everyone. Jody and the girls are still here, which is nice. The laughter dies down a little bit as everyone sees him but, not too much. Garth greets him with a big hug and tells him he’s sorry for his loss and that Dean was a great man. He ducks his head and nods, says thank you.

“I heard you like pancakes! I’ll make you as many as you want,” Garth exclaims as he goes back over to the stove.

Sam tells him to make two and then comes up behind Eileen where she’s sitting at the table across from Bess as everyone starts talking again.

“Hi,” she says, signing to him, a loving smile on her face.

“Hi,” he replies, signing as well.

“I was going to wake you about an hour ago, but you were sleeping so soundly. I didn’t want to bother you.”

“It’s okay,” he tells her. She reaches over and squeezes his hand.

-x-

Once Charlie and Stevie arrive at Eileen’s house, they all decide to have a small memorial for Dean.

It’s a lot for Sam but, he loves hearing their stories about his brother, dumb (bad) jokes he told, and how he impacted their lives. Years ago, they had said the people they helped would be their legacy and turns out they were right.

Later, they’re all out on Eileen’s patio in her backyard, she’s perched on the arm of the chair he’s sitting in listening to Claire talk about the time she played mini golf with Dean.

“You okay?” she whispers to him, when she notices his eyes are a little misty. “Need a break?”

“I’m okay,” he tells her. “This is good. I’m glad we did this. I needed to do this.”

“Good,” she nods. She’s running her hand through his hair. He brings his hand up and squeezes her knee.

“Thank you for being here,” he says, sincerely. “Thanks for letting me stay with you.”

“Of course. I’m here for you, whatever you need. You don’t have to do this alone, Sam.”

He knows it’s not going to be easy getting back to some form of normalcy but, he’s surrounded by people who love him so, he lets himself believe it.

**Author's Note:**

> is this good? idk. maybe this was my way of giving Sam comfort that I feel he deserves for surviving all he has, don't @ me. this is the first fic I've written in nearly a decade so please be gentle. title comes from i know the end by phoebe bridgers. (all of these characters will be featured during this.)


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